I used to have a good friend whom i knew since primary four.

We would play online games, engage in time-wasting msn mass conversations, go to school together (i think i made her accompany me cause i didnt like going school alone), occasionally eat after school together, spend time at each other's home.

She was a really good friend. And its my loss for making her turn her back on me.
Im still not clear what was the exact reason why our friendship turned cold suddenly.
But i guess it must have been my hypocrisy, self centredness and (include other descriptions here).

Ironically, even though she kind of bullied me in primary school (we even fought, i think), she was one of the few whom i felt comfortable enough to be myself and speak freely. And she was a great friend. She would like, give me maple mesos and stuff like that when i asked. She would wait for me to level up before she did. I think she even suicided (in the game, duh) to prevent herself from leveling up before i did. These examples are childish, yes. But seriously, i wouldnt give a damnn if my friend has no mesos to spend. I wouldnt suicide to wait for my friend to level up.
In real life, she treated me genuinely. She listened to my problems and all even though they were those that could have been ignored (typical teen troubles). She helped me print thick stacks of notes, helped me with my homework, sacrificed her time to help me fulfil my selfish aims. We went to her house on CNY to like kinda "chill out" yaknowzz. We ran together to train for 2.4 (damn napfa!) I really miss having her as a friend.

Things changed when we reached sec3. Both of us were posted to the same class. Well, its supposed to be a good thing isint it. But it was a dilemma for me. My friend isint exactly those who would socialize with others around her. She has a strong personality and does not succumb to peer pressure. She likes doing things her own way, and has her own opinions on issues which the rest of us have a similar views on. (maybe thats why people labelled her weird) Not everyone sees the good in her and more of them tend to tease/ostracize her. I, being probably the only person in the class who knew her for who she was, was sitting on the fence- deciding on whether to befriend her, or join the rest.

Well, i didnt exactly ostracize her. But i drifted away from her, and got closer to the rest of my classmates. I guess i preferred acceptance by this new group of friends more. Even though people gossiped about her to me, i did not defend her. Once, they gossiped, i said 'omg i dont wana talk bad about her.' and walked away. I received awkward stares and that put an end to my attempt in defending her/ being a good friend of hers.

People poked fun at her, made ridiculous jokes. I joined in, because they were my friends. Peer pressure. She didnt react to them because i guess, she has her own way of thinking and coping with stuff. I applaud her for that.

Valentines day. I have her a card and wrote some stuff on it (i cant remember what i wrote). After that, she never talked to me. Ignored me. I tried asking her many times, but to no avail. So i gave up, and ignored her existence in my life. In class, i did not talk to her anymore, and i grew closer to my classmates.

My friendship with her became stagnant at this point. Till some day when she came and talked to me again. Things cleared up a little, but i must say, things arent the same anymore.

I occasionally read her blog today, and my heart goes out to her when she blogs about her life (which i perceive to be quite troubled). But she's handling things well, and im still in awe of her courage. Even if i talk to her, rebuilding that trust and friendliness would be a futile attempt. And so, because of this, i have learnt carry myself in a way my heart tells me to. And not in a way people tell me to. I want to stop being cynical and judgemental and all. Im learning still. Im learning to be a better friend to people around me. I hope one day we can be good friends again.

Im sorry if this sounds really cliche and saintly, but when im in a reflective sentimental mood im just like that. Just had this sudden urge to blog about this. Its just a personal entry, no other intentions accompanied.

I miss my friend. I miss my grandmother too. ):

Im having a really horrible cough, and i skipped the last day of school. :(
But alas, holidays! (L)